open your heart to me.

March 8th

Just saw Kathy. I went in reading a blog post I'd written and the letter I wrote to Jason that I haven't given to him yet.

She said, like most, that we need to find something outside running and writing that connect us. She also said we need to work with the girls on boundaries. They can't be in the room when we are talking--5 mins to start. He needs to see that I make our marriage a priority. I also should be more into his running. Why not? I should be talking to him about his runs, how he feels...what he needs...I don't even acknowledge him. I am so focused on MY time. I hate that. I need to be a wife. Whether he is a husband or not shouldn't matter. I will do my best to be better.
Would he take a dance class? I'm not sure. He barely goes to plays with me.

Maybe I should let him read the letter some time when he is able to engage.
Okay, I sent a supportive email and feel good about it. I need to go make signs for the run. He needs to feel like we actually care about this. I've been such an asshole about it. So selfish about myself. I will come around...but I won't find my true self unless I get rid of the yuck, the jealousy, the neediness, the insecurities.

It's the insecurities. Step out...the step is there...(Indiana Jones) You have to believe it's there. You have to have faith. I need to open my heart. No matter how scary it is. Trust the marriage. Trust it. Or lose it.

In need 3.2.16

Having the boys leave was quite a blow to the spirit. I looked forward to it for so long and then to have it be over...what is there to look forward to now? It gets lonely here...for me. I suppose it should be a motivator. I'm sure it will be, but for now, it has driven me to want to hide under the covers and sleep...

Yet, I have this sweet faced little thing sitting next to me. She needs me to be up and present and smiling. That is so hard sometimes. I feel I have to be ON all of the time. Today, I just want to cry.

Jason told me that we are basically getting garnished by the government due to not paying our taxes for the last 2 years. Not that I blame them, but we are going to be in a pinch. Therapy will be hard to afford. Training is out. These are things that are luxuries. We can't afford luxuries now. And that is fine. This might be good for us. We have not been living within our means. I am much to blame. I know this.

I am tired...seem to be shutting down in order to ignore the fact that I'm alone again. Harper seems to be drifting herself.